Filzah'sYellow(:

moved =)

2010-09-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

moved to http://filiterazoet.tumblr.com/

hehe

Filzah

i feel used

2010-09-01T07:30:00.001-07:00

What am I in my friends' eyes? Am I of any value in their life? Why do I feel as if I'm not as authentic a friend as painted out by them?

I really shouldn't be feeling this way because maybe, just maybe, I'm only being petty

But then again, rationally, I'm supposed to feel the way I am now. What I feel now is disappointment, confusion. I was seen as a confidante, really. Not that it was my wishful thinking or anything, but it really was true since it was said by a person. I remember being there for a damsel in distress, allowing her to pour her worries and whatnot. But now, i really don't feel good about this.

However large the crack in my heart is, I won't make a fuss out of it. I really don't want to. Souring relationships is the last thing I want to do in the midst of the nearing of Hari Raya. Haha. Oh and the nearing of the final exams.

I have faith in myself. I can pull thru this piece of cake. Its a small matter; peanuts.

Filzah

swollen neck =(

2010-08-27T07:15:00.000-07:00

This swollen-like pain in my neck is killing me.

Time is way too slow in healing it. I need an instant remedy

Filzah

Delifrance!

2010-08-25T07:43:00.001-07:00

Delifrance!

Filzah.

2010-08-12T21:42:00.000-07:00

I want everything back

understanding life

2010-08-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

It was nothing like those days few years back. I could now understand life better. What I have gathered so far may amount to just a dearth of experience, but I'm all ready to be confronted by the trials and tribulations life has in store for me as an individual for I now accepted the nature of life.

My future, love life, friendships.

I'm learning to accept people for who they truly are, to understand there is to be a rationale behind every move of humans, no matter how unreasonable each can be. Living with one another means the need to accept one another's flaws, as well as strengths.

To love and care for one special individual (as the technical term reads out: the relationship as in, a sexual relationship) is, in my opinion, a natural occurrence. Why that person?, people may ask. But you just don't know why. The easy and, a true-enough answer would definitely be "Meant to be" but rationally, there isn't any answer. Really. It just happened. Just like that

I do not understand what love truly is. At least not yet. But on the surface, I could interpret the technical definition of it but experience-wise, I lack of it.

I know what it's like to be a (seemingly) worrywart. Over a soul. As annoying as it can get, it just comes naturally, I swear.

My laptop is soft pink in colour. Can you believe it? Well, believe it.

Filzah

2010-08-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

1L04 Day-out!

Sen-tosa

*yuyu*

2010-07-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

Final exams are nearing!

Coursework for Legal Comm is over (100% Coursework). And so is the rest of the subjects. All over. But somehow I am very well aware of the fact and notion that there are more lined up ahead of me for the next semester as well as the subsequent years. Hahaha, which is true, of course. Duhh

What I've been through-projects- has been such an experience for me. Really. It might be cliched but that's what I strongly feel. Anger, enthusiasm, exasperation, gratification. You name it

The fasting month is nearing too.

And so is Hari Raya!!!!

Hahaha. I can hardly believe i'm about to celebrate it at 17. Hahaha

Nothing much to say lerh

: /

Nitez!

*yuyu*

2010-07-25T05:16:00.000-07:00

Well, this is life for you. There are going to be times when people step on you to get to their destination while there are going to be times when people lay back, and give you the leeway to do whatever you want and in the end, reap the benefits out of your hard work.

So what if they are intelligent? Does that mean that they can make use of us to be successful? Does being born with a high IQ give one the right to use people? That kind of attitude is the most appalling.

I need a breather.

Filzah

happy talkin

2010-07-14T07:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt this happy just by talking to a person?

Filzah

deadlines

2010-07-11T06:12:00.000-07:00

Deadlines and projects are keeping me on a tight rein. Which is unnecessarily a bad thing. Those are things which keep me busy, which has been keeping my mind preoccupied. Believe it or not, I'm falling, falling in love with Case reports reading. As well as statutory readings. It is contradicting to say that the law is black and white while it is actually "neither here nor there" when it comes to interpreting it. Law no longer intrigues me, for I'm presently slowly picking up the know-how in understanding it.

I realised that it is perfectly fine if I do not encounter the unprecedented this time. Not standing out from the rest and all. How the people around me are progressing was at first a thing which scared the life out of me, demeaned and deflated me. I'll just have to keep up with being the average, a thing which I now think is good enough. As much as I know I have to keep the hopes up of standing out from the rest, I also know it isn't easy.

I'm giving myself the chance to choose.
To decide whether to be just above average or way above average.

Filzah

truely true

2010-07-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not exactly waiting
And no, I'm not expecting anything

It may have been tough on me,
but I know I can pull through-albeit in your absence;
For what I want is your happiness, your safety

Yes, I don't need to be with you to be happy
And yes, I'm pleased so long as you're doing well

I may have cried over the distance,
but I know this is the best-both for you and me
For past circumstances were not permitting

Please.
Please stay clear of any trouble
and be happy as often as possible.
I'm looking out for you,
I'm looking out for you.

Filzah

2010-07-01T00:16:00.000-07:00

My 2 cousins.
Are married
=)

Filzah

apprehensive

2010-06-21T04:33:00.000-07:00

Its a slap in the face,
A long, hard fall
And just when I thought I've settled down, it comes back
Its a taste of my own medicine,
Just my desserts
That's what I learnt,
As much as it hurts

being Apprehensive-im a living example

Filzah

Dina turned 17

2010-06-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

Our beloved Dina Suziana
has turned 17.

end of mid sem tests

2010-06-04T04:46:00.000-07:00

Mid-semester tests are over and that marks the start of projects piling up.
An interview next Wednesday-something to be anxious about.

I don't know what it is but it is definitely inducing this whole thing. I just can't quite put my finger on it. Why do I feel empty on the inside? It is as if there's a thing that should be here in my life but it's somehow absent. But then again, everything seems complete but I'd still be left with the feeling of emptiness. What on earth is happening?

Is it the weather?
Or is it just schoolwork that's giving me the usual pressure?
Answers are what I need
There are too many questions and so little answers
And so much reckoning and wishful thinking

Filzah

awesome day 15may

2010-05-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

Had a GREAT day.
Thanks everyone

*yuyu*

wait

2010-05-10T05:20:00.000-07:00

'The Wait'

This is rather in silence
A thing quite obscure
In the absolute absence
Of the very dear

I tried being free
From such a space
But to rid myself of the agony,
Is the toughest phase

To anticipate is to hurt my pride
And then leaving me hopeless
To hold on is to perpetually fight
Against what I feel is happiness

Is this even real?
It could be the desperation
For who I'm meant to be with
Instead of genuine passion

It is too long a wait
For a person on her own
When will feelings be said?
And when will love be shown?

Yes, it is a wait
In the fond hope
That it would be said
That it would be shown

Filzah

fuming

2010-05-06T17:49:00.000-07:00

If I were to be scrutinized, the smoke coming out from my ears would be noticed. I'm just so mad at people who always keep me waiting whenever I smsed them. What the hell is wrong with them? A cell phone is for convenience's sake and if so, why is it so hard to communicate when both parties each have one? Why is it so hard for these people to just REPLY me without having me wait for more than 5 hours or worse, a day? You know what I exactly feel like doing now? I feel like grabbing the stupid phone out of her hand and slam it against the floor right under her nose so that she knows how much I appreciate that communications device of hers. What's the point of having two phones when you don't even use one of them to reply your friend here? It's just as well that she sell those two phones and use the money to buy herself some manners. I wish I could tell her off but nah, I don't one to scare off anyone with my foul temper. So let me say it all here. Sorry but I've got to be nasty coz I think that's what she deserves- a little condemning from me.

Let's just see what time I am going to get a reply from her.

And to people who forget things easily, I recommend Fish Vitamin pills which I take every morning. It helps a lot.

Filzah

2010-05-04T07:07:00.000-07:00

Allow me to enumerate what work for me.

-Coffee
-Vanessa
-My trophies & medals
-Other people's ordeals &perhaps their successes
-Naif
-My God
-Baby
-My Mother
-The time to enjoy
-Karaoke in my room

Yup. That's all. My precious precious things I can't live without.

*yuyu*

i Miss it, i actually do

2010-05-02T04:30:00.000-07:00

The encounter was far from anything you see on dramas
And so was the progression
But the value is impregnable, persistent
The end was, too, far from anything you see on dramas
Except for the heart break and grief
What lingers is tough; tougher than the end
The end marks the certainty but the hanging?
The hanging hurts the most; worse than anything else

I see you
Everywhere
My dream, my mind, my imagination
I would never want to admit
That I'm longing to see you again
That I'm longing to meet you again
That I miss you
Why? Because it's pointless, really

I'd go to sleep feigning happiness.

Filzah

life's not too nice

2010-05-01T05:07:00.000-07:00

Am easily bothered with little things such as unnecessary noise, ungrateful people, a bad listening ear, having to force fever and flu pills down my throat, school work, fussy cp, classmates who don't show concern, my father's singing, people not replying my SMSes, the idea of being used, stupid youtube which isn't working too well, being forced to commit to things which I don't like doing. The list goes on..

..and on.

I miss my Secondary school years. Not because I didn't meet good friends in poly. The friends I made are all great-Shawn, Masturah, Eva, Haziq, Jinyi, etc. It's just that..life is tougher in poly. Unlike secondary school, there are no form and subject teachers to look out for you in poly. There are just care persons. And some of them are a little too fierce. I could therefore feel some pressure-something which I hate. If there were to be pressure to pep me up, it should come from my very self. That's how my 'system' works.

This is the part of life I call 'the bitter side'

Filzah

Economics

2010-04-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

Economics is KILLING ME.
Macroeconomics and soon, microeconomics.
I need a breather

Nurul Filzah

Us goes to Thailand

2010-04-24T02:55:00.001-07:00

Sent Abg Us off to Bangkok, Thailand at the airport yesterday night(to serve his NS there). Went with a rather large group. There were cousins, grandparents and aunties uncles. It was all emotional for mother that night. She first looked super worried and when it was time for Us to fly already, she broke down. Wahsey. Fortunately for me, I managed to hold back my tears because seeing my mum cry made me feel all emotionally fragile. Like what my 2nd bro said, it's just Thailand, not Afghanistan. Thailand is not that far from here. I guess if you ride a bicycle there, you can reach there within no less than a few days time. Hahahahaha.
I really hope things are going to be fine for my brother and his troupe there considering the ongoing riot there.
Us will be back in three weeks time. For all I know, he's on his way back to S'pore soon. Time will fly fast.

At least I hope so.

Filzah

holding on

2010-04-22T05:02:00.000-07:00

I never knew holding on could be this effortless.
It's tougher to just let go. Why? Why so?

Filzah

Van & Jas

2010-04-12T00:28:00.000-07:00

I'm on MSN with Vanessa right at this moment; having fun with the drawing tool. Hahahaha.

So Jasmine and Vanessa were right. They may be Christians but they willingly share with me things they learned from Church which I could definitely relate to(I'm a Muslim). I could understand and learn from those things as well.

Jasmine said to surrender to my God if I'm to let go of my anger and frustrations and that forcing will only add on to the emotions so do it willingly.

Vanessa said it's always vital to have a 'prosperous' soul and to have faith in my God.

Since school is starting soon already, I need to get myself prepared with things which I think are pretty important for me to start something new.

!!!
School's around the corner.
Oh mama

Mrs Alyph

Happy Birthday

2010-04-07T22:52:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Mummy. Without you, I know absolute nothing about all sorts of etiquette. It was the right upbringing that makes who I am today and I couldn't imagine what would become of me in your absence.

I may be lazy to help you with the household chores at times but do know that I'm trying my best not to be lazy all the time. Hahahaha

You have my word that I would take care of you both in good health and bad(God forbid) in the future. I would strive to give you the good life you deserve after sacrificing so much of your time and energy all these years just to ensure we are educated well and have sufficient food on the table.

After knowing you all my life, I have my inference that you have a heart which is made of gold. You never stop reminding me that giving is always much more better than receiving. You instill in me attributes which are priceless. I don't know how else to express my gratitude for you.

In this family where there are three men and only you and me as women, you are my sister, my best friend and of course, my mother.

Thank you =)

*yuyu*

local Chinese shows are the best

2010-04-04T19:28:00.000-07:00

I've always loved watching the local Chinese drama series. One main reason is that the subtitle is done very well; I think it is so well expressed and precise that I could follow the episodes without having to get annoyed at what I feel may be grammatical errors or the wrong use of vocabulary by the person who does the translations. I learn a lot from the subtitles and fully trust the standard and thus make it something I could depend on for upgrading my command of the English language. The next reason is that the characters' antics never fail to make me laugh. The Best Things In Life and Your Hand In Mine are the current 'hot cakes' on Channel 8.

I never expected the latter to last up till more than a hundred episodes. The plot , I believe, disagrees with materialism and emphasises on kinship. The former is somewhat similar to Best Things. I feel it's important that we are perpetually reminded of the superfluousness of wealth (although we are, of course, encouraged to aim high in life) and how important our family is to us. Especially in this modern life of ours. Our career might take up practically all of our time, but it is so so important that we make time to maintain kinship.

Last but not least, our local chinese drama series always have something beneficial to convey and they inculcate in the target audience good attributes and they, too, have in them ideas of Asian cultures and traditions.
Filzah

2010-03-31T05:24:00.000-07:00

I'm truly disappointed in a friend. I've always thought she had considered me as one of her close friends but I guess I was wrong; she doesn't seem to portray that idea. All the things she confided in me back during our secondary school years seem bogus now. She's definitely doing the best she could to all her good friends-I know this very well. But somehow, along the way I feel unappreciated. Probably her quantity of friends is being a hindrance and thus making me feel utterly dismayed due to the feeling of being shoved aside. I sense her efforts to not make me feel such a way but the more she tried, the worse I feel because it was without any touch of genuineness.

And no, I should not reveal this to her.
She has enough problems on her plate

Filzah

life isn't black and white

2010-03-30T20:53:00.000-07:00

'Life isn't just black and white'

I used to hear this phrase all the time but never really understood it. Unlike the past, I now fully understand it. In fact, I feel comfortable applying it to real-life situations. Relating to it is literally an effortless thing for me now. It's definitely true. Life is not simple. It is instead intricate, as suggested by the phrase above. Based on my understanding, let me list a few examples.

In life..

..it does not necessarily mean you would end up with your one true love

..a good man by nature does lie, steal and even murder

..there are sadists who are still loved by God

..there is such a thing called 'necessary evil'

..'true' & 'false' does not exactly exist where the matters of the heart are concerned

..religion is not all about things just being forbidden and allowed

For us to survive in this life where it isn't simply pure black and pure white, I believe we need to be wary of things and eventually, reflect on all things so as to learn from our blunders and follies. The important people who instill real motivation into me to ensure that I see how important life is-the man of my life, my family, my friends-are my sources of both disappointment and happiness in life. Along the way, they would break my heart, perk me up to keep me going in life, break my heart again before giving me happiness all over again.

I need them in my life to understand exactly what life is.

*yuyu*

2010-03-26T21:36:00.000-07:00

'But a Dream'

Last night you appeared vague
And handsome, as always
I know it's only for me to take
And keep it intact in my own ways

For I'll never know when it'll turn real

I felt that you were right here
Your presence solid and complete
That you were very near
Was just enough to please me

For I'm longing your being around

Every now and then I am reminded
Of how your presence felt
But I know it'll soon be faded
And the memories will soon melt

For it is but a dream I had of you

Filzah

dream

2010-03-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

It is by far the only dream that has left such an indelible feeling. It still lingers and I'm not sure if I want it lingering. But it sure feels nice..and pretty. Why did I even dream about the person? It's said that what you dream in your sleep at night is what you've been thinking of in the day. Probably that's the answer. His strong presence presumably lured me into sinking deeper into my sleep but somehow, when I couldn't go any deeper, the dream ended.

He went home.
In my dream.
Haha

Maybe I should make a poem out of this
So that I'd be able to recall the dream easily in the future

Filzah

A levels?

2010-03-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

It's of course only wishful thinking that I'm imagining myself working towards the A levels. (Haha) But seriously, I wish I was. I bet it'd exude the same vibe as the O levels; the only difference is that A level is a whole new level of challenge. However this doesn't necessarily mean I regretted my decision of completing my next phase of education in a polytechnic. I just had a gut feeling-after getting back my results-that poly is the right place for me.

Imagining that I'm taking my A levels is only a form of self-indulgence.
You may call me weird. I simply love exams. LOOVE exams.
I LOVVE classrooms, theories, languages, math, textbooks. All with the exception of Humanities. Oh yeah, most probably that's the reason for the gut feeling I had. I'm afraid I couldn't cope in a JC since Humanities is not one of my favourites. According to a teacher, Humanities plays a significant role in the education in JC.

My dad had always preferred me in a JC not because he wanted me to secure a place in university or anything but because JC fees are cheaper. Haha! So typical of my dad.

:D

Mrs Alyph

dayout with Mye

2010-03-24T05:07:00.000-07:00

Went out with Maisarah yesterday. After the conversations with her, I was amazed at how she feels towards BGR. Haha! Mye was of much help when I went in search of the perfect gift for my mum's birthday present. She persuaded, or should I say, forced me into buying the one she thought was the perfect one. Haha, I finally relented; not because I had no other choice but because I, too, felt that my mum would like it. The salesgirl wrapped it up but I thought maybe another layer of wrapping paper would complete the surprise since she wrapped it with the Isetan paper bag. My mum's birthday falls on the 8th next month but since I was all prepared, I decided to leave the gift in my mum's room. Expecting that my mum would unwrap the surprise, I couldn't help but feel excited. BUT she said she would not open it until the 8th of April. Haha! Unlike my mum, I'm one who couldn't stand surprise. If I were her, I would already tear the wrapping paper right there and then. Hahaha

Filzah

to forgive is a beautiful thing to do

2010-03-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

I feel good. After all the things that had befallen me, I came to realise that it definitely feels good to be able to forgive and let go. With all the hatred gone, I could finally breathe with nothing weighing on my conscience. So to forgive is manifestly one of the most wonderful thing one could do to make the world a better place to live in. My gratitude goes to my God for giving me the strength to do so.

I'm so elated!
=D

Of course it took time for me to simmer down but the wait is undoubtedly worthwhile.

*yuyu*

poly starts on the 19th

2010-03-20T04:25:00.000-07:00

So am I ready for school? Absolutely! Just yesterday Jasmine filled me in on how poly has been for her(she started school earlier as she applied for school through DPA). What she said made sense. Entering poly requires us to be mentally prepared because you'd definitely meet all kinds of people from all walks of life coming together for the very same vision.

I hope I could cope with law. Well, people say it's no mean feat. (hais)

Mrs Alyph

disappointed in a friend

2010-03-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

In hindsight, the point my mum made is somehow valid. In fact, I now feel that it might be true. Initially, I didn't read too much into it and so wasn't much affected by it but now I'm angry. I'm fuming at the kind of treatment I was given by THEM. So what if there are important things keeping them busy? Heck everyone is busy. I see no plausible reason for them to simply ignore itsy-bitsy things which take only a fraction of their time.

It's only polite to acknowledge. I'm no longer a kid OKAY so I know that very well. And I have feelings. And I'm no fool. What saddened me the most was the fact that my mum was being ignored. Not a very nice thing to do.

I'm abstaining myself from spitting vulgarities because doing that is not my thing.

Here's another thing that's been plaguing me. Being deceived is worse than being kept in the dark isn't it? I couldn't bring myself to face it not because I'm too angry but because I refuse to reveal my disappointment as I do not want to appear petty.

I hope all the hatred in me will vanish into thin air soon çause it's eating me.

Filzah

crumble under pressure.tnx mum!

2010-03-10T20:06:00.000-08:00

If dinosaurs were to be in existence still, fact has it that they required humans' absence to live because human's presence would only do more harm than good to the lives of the dinosaurs.

I could definitely relate well to the relationship between dinosaurs and humans mentioned above because I find the RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MY MOTHER AND MYSELF SIMILAR TO IT. I'm not doing this to condemn my mum or anything, but I'm only doing myself justice by letting it all off my chest. In certain aspects of my life, I believe I do not require the pressure from her; the kind mothers give for the child's own good. I came to realise that I'm better off without her breathing down my neck, asking me to study, asking me to do my prayers, asking me to do the household chores, etc. I simply don't need it. What I need are her attention and support; which she has always been giving me. Things wouldn't be very pleasant for me if she were to pressure me to do things which I know I have to do on my part. She overdoes things when she's overly-concerned. I just want her to curb it and let me do things on my own, even if I tend to do mistakes here and there! Isn't life about making mistakes and learning from it? She simply has to give me the chance to do things responsibly, without giving me an extreme amount of pressure.

Oh mum, if only you could read what I've written here.

An epitome is during my O Level Examinations. I did her proud, didn't I? And did she pressure me to study during the preparations? No. Not at all. And as a result, I did well! See what I mean? I love the idea of her trusting me to the extent of leaving me to study without putting any pressure on me.

So why couldn't she do the same for some other aspects of my life?

Learn to chill, mum. Life may be competitive but learning to do things calmly one at a time spells lesser stress.

I love you, mum.

Filzah

swollen eyelids mosquito bites

2010-03-08T17:46:00.001-08:00

Feeling miserable-having to bear with the itch from the mosquito bites(damn the mosquito who fed on my blood) and my swollen left eyelid. Yesterday I woke up with a swollen eye without rhyme or reason. Oh wait, I have a strong feeling that the brazen mosquito was the culprit for my swollen eye too. Probably I smelled delicious, haha. A visit to the doctor's seems like a necessary thing to do now.

So yesterday, despite not looking good with a swollen eye, I still went out for a movie anyway. Raudhah, Izyan and myself secured a seat for Alice in Wonderland 3D.

I'm intrigued by this man. His gorgeousness is undoubtedly one of a kind.
Johnny Depp.
I wonder what it is like to have a seat right beside his.

Filzah

2010-03-04T19:20:00.001-08:00

At First Sight

That moment seems to last for a while
Was it just a glance or something more?

It resonates still in my very mind
Inducing a surge of emotions so raw

After it ended I left without another look
Not because of refusal but diffidence

After all, you are an anomaly who shook
Me out of the reality like a love potion

The hope remains in me still
To share that moment once again

I wonder if you too could feel
What I believe to be an arranged

Filzah

3rd March

2010-03-02T18:38:00.000-08:00

What did I do to deserve to look this round?!
Haha

Last Sunday the three of us(Farizah, Aizah and myself) walked all the way to Ustaz Ahmad's house from Ghufran Mosque where we had our usual Sunday class with a few guys from the class to be present at a occasion specially organised for his newborn baby girl. She's very small. And very delicate at that. Not many would dare to hold her in their arms, trust me. Haha.

Does love at first sight really exist? This issue is rather subjective, don't you think so? Some say the attraction between two strangers when their eyes locked is merely due to lust and perhaps mere crush, not purely love. However there are surveys which show that there are a particular number of couples who are happily married after falling in love with their spouses at first sight. Perhaps it is indeed a mere crush but it later developed into love as they get to know one another. "Love at first sight" is perhaps but a figure of speech.

*yuyu*

kinship

2010-02-23T18:13:00.000-08:00

Kinship guarantees the best understanding
Or so I thought
Be it my handwriting or my personality
Or what I've fought

Nurul Filzah

dayout with Ferina

2010-02-21T04:11:00.000-08:00

Ferina(Arriyani);
=D

I thought I looked sleepy here.
We watched Percy Jackson and the lightning thief! (I hope I got the title right)It's all about the many Gods-a notion I totally do not believe in. Well, all I choose to believe is that there is only one God. Haha! And I can't deny that the protagonist's handsome. Well, but of course. All the beautiful people have a place in such productions. They are the 'commodities'. The only difference is that they can be 'bought' more than once. Thus they are more lucrative in that sense.
Do I even know what I'm talking about?

So anyways, the boredom is practically drying me up. I'm getting better at watching televisions each day. And at eating; I'm number one, if you were to ask me. Now that I'm home almost 24/7, my mum makes me watch her cook almost every day. (She isn't kidding this time when she says she's going to make me cook) She says "Ah girl, you're almost 17. How can you not know how to enter the kitchen?" I guess I didn't have to give an answer to that one? It's a rhetorical. I wanted to remind her that I've always been good at entering the kitchen but for a totally different purpose. Haha!

School starts in April. The 19th. While the orientation is taking place on the 14th to 16th. Oh if I could, I would make time go faster.

I wish I could speak English as if it is the only language I know.

Filzah

reminiscing

2010-02-19T21:39:00.000-08:00

To keep holding on for dear life is part of treasuring something as invaluable as friendship

..and letting go means giving up on your very own happiness.

Filzah

cycling

2010-02-15T19:09:00.001-08:00

A glimpse of what there was on 15th of Feb 2010;
Cycling route:From East Coast to Changi and back

*yuyu*

2010-02-14T03:52:00.000-08:00

Watching this show, for me, is for entertainment's sake. But I do dream of being just like them in the future so I'd like to know what do lawyers in Singapore exactly go through and how much commitment is needed being in this line of work and how utmost it is. But then again, maybe, just maybe, it is merely wishful thinking on my part because of the professionalism in lawyers which has always awed me. Despite my ambivalence about my future, one thing for sure, I'd do my utmost for my next phase of my life. Pleasing my parents means pleasing Allah and that, I hope, is my ultimate objective at the end of the day.

I hate to admit my weaknesses-which I've discovered-but am jolly well aware that I've to. It's similar to having to swallow a taste of my own bitter medicine.

I'm short-tempered, I've too much self-respect in me and I'm too emotional. And I'm easily being driven away from Him.

Anyone want to step forward and help me with these?
Haha

It'd be nice to be perfect, now wouldn't it?

Filzah

2010-02-11T19:35:00.000-08:00

My current nemeses in life:

-procrastination
-unhealthy eating habits
-strong emotions

It's been a while since I last felt what stress is like. I say, I'd want to have a taste of it again. It's wonderful actually. It somehow increases your maturity and forces you to think of ways to deal with it and that, in my opinion, keeps you sharp and alert. What a way to define stress huh? That's the positive mind talking, I shall say. No matter how trying a phase of your life may be, you could overcome it some way or another because, as a strong believer of the saying that goes 'there's nothing that God offers that you couldn't cope'(well at least I thought it sounds that way), everyone is able to defeat the hard going in their lives. Life's fair. Truly fair.

*yuyu*

to let go

2010-02-07T04:31:00.001-08:00

I didn't know letting go was this hard.
I didn't know losing weight was this hard either.
It's even harder to decipher my own feelings towards all things that have been affecting me of late. I wish I had a psychiatrist by my side to help me pull through this dilemma.

Filzah

alyph-idol

2010-02-04T22:43:00.000-08:00

At times I do ask myself the reason for my looking up to this boy on my left. Hmm, okay I admit that the precise term is 'to be smitten' by him. The attributes he has in him-a flair for composing songs which capture the hearts of many adolescents, for rapping and a pleasant singing-voice-have always made him an idol in my eyes, as well as a dream guy in my heart. I've always mentioned (both in my sleep and out loud to people) that if I were to have a one-to-one encounter with this successful lad, the first thing I would love to do is to sing with him. Personally, it is his sense of humour and looks that makes him endearing to me. All these qualities found in him tell me that I've found the most interesting guy who, most importantly, has the potential to be my other half.

What the heck! Hahaha. He is a celebrity, for goodness' sake. And besides, often do I overlook his apparent flaws due to the obvious fact that the chances of my ending up with him are not in existence to super slim.

Aliff Abdullah will always be an idol to me.

Filzah

Sakura

2010-02-01T19:24:00.001-08:00

16 January 2010

Law & Management at tp

2010-01-27T19:02:00.000-08:00

My school for the next three years would be Temasek Poly and for these three years I'll be 'delving' myself into law studies. Never in my life have I thought of ending up in anything that is related to law. This is an epitome of the unexpected in life. The same goes for my 'O' Level Results. There I was at home, under my blanket, too afraid to learn about my results when actually I did well. I dare say it is the unprecedented event in my life but that, hopefully, will not stop me dead in my tracks towards achieving greater heights. I'd not be complacent with success. So life is not going to be easy. Teachers say poly life shall be tougher than secondary school life and that thrice the required effort is possible.

I've no idea if my English is getting better, worse or simply on a par with how it was during my secondary school years. I've to keep up in this aspect of my education. The subtitles on Chinese shows I watch are of much help. The wide vocabulary, particularly.

I'm enjoying life right now. Hahaha.

*yuyu*

class bbq

2010-01-26T04:32:00.000-08:00

22 Jan 2010

2010-01-23T04:29:00.001-08:00

"Anger"

The loss of a person
And an identified Achilles heel
Plus a depletion
Of my self-esteem

I've let go
When I'm supposed to never make my grip loose
Just like a weary toe
Who forsook a handsome, prickly pair of shoes

I’m lying if I said I’m strong
Cause I crumble at the trivial
And hate to see myself wrong
When put on trial

The hope of starting afresh
And a reliable confidant
Who’s able to manifest
True love like a real man

Was gradually being trampled out
Like a treacherous, forbidden fire
What I feel like doing now is shout
So you know you placed me in a strait so dire

Filzah

no fatty

2010-01-20T23:39:00.000-08:00

Alas, I saw my best friend in my dreams yet again. The feeling of being in her presence was felt yet again and I couldn't fathom out why she keeps coming back in my dreams. I'm vaguely depressed either because I'd rather have her back in real life or the fact that I dislike the notion of having to see our friendship as a mere figment of my imagination. Gosh I need help. It's like falling out from a bad relationship. Ha.

And heck, I sense my loss of shine in my English language. I seriously need a lot of reading since I've too much time on my hands right now but I'm just too lazy.

For the time being I've no idea what I want as my niche but one thing for sure, I don't want to be overweight! I need professional help to extricate myself from my poor, inconsistent calories-burning routines and eating habits. I wish I was the poorly fed girl who was in the midst of her 'O' Level Exams preparations months ago. I might look unhealthy but at least I was lighter. Haha.

During my free time I'd fill myself in on the amount of calories intake needed per day and how much calories are found in different types of foods. This way, I'm aware of my calories-from-fat intake per day and could then burn the necessary amount at the end of the day. Sounds like an effort, no?

Well, looking at photos of me when I was much younger makes me understand why my brother kept calling me FAT then. If I won 2 million dollars, I'd use it to go for treatments at London Weight Management and the rest would go to charity. Lol.

Filzah

2010-01-17T04:21:00.000-08:00

It has been ages since I last sat down and had my guitar strummed & plucked. I now understand what it meant to be deprived of inspiration and passion for something. The reason's pretty blatant; my guitar seems to be 'out of sorts' & does not sound good so it kind of hinders myself from being motivated to learn songs and to simply play songs on it, you see. I wish I could have one of those sleek acoustic guitars(like the one in the photo). What I can do now is drool over the photo. Haha.

Mrs Alyph

2010-01-14T18:01:00.000-08:00

a day out w/
my dearest;
Zesiong
Kaitong

Mrs Alyph

Law & management

2010-01-12T22:58:00.000-08:00

Having submitted my 12 choices of courses, all of which from Temasek Poly, I can't help but feel happy that I now have the idea of what I really want to do after 10 years of primary & secondary education. It was after all the whims and ambivalence that I've come to a decision to go for Law & Management. My utmost gratitude goes to Allah for showing me the way. I'm certain this is the right path for me. I, too, have come to realise that I've always wanted to uphold justice whenever I witness injustice. Lols. Most importantly I'm aware that I have to improve my English. I'm no A1 candidate for English 'O' Levels.

At this stage of my life, I know who my true friends are, which of my friends whom I truly believe are the beautiful ones. May God bless them no matter where they go.

Iqah
Liana
Shamimi
Jasmine

And may the unaware go through poetic justice. :)

Filzah

GCE 'O' Level Results

2010-01-11T17:18:00.000-08:00

GCE 'O' Level Results.

I cannot be happier with what I've received as my 'O' Level results. Alhamdullilah. At times I do realise that I still cannot believe what I saw on my result slip. Haha. I guess my hard work paid off. Thanks to everyone who has been with me along my journey towards my goals set for the examinations. Now I have the next major thing to do on my to-do list; complete my education in polytechnic with excellent results. And make friends.

Speaking of which, I wonder if I've ever offended anyone in any way. I'm sorry if I ever did. Cause this morning I discovered someone on my tag board spitting out unpleasant things about me. Why so? Maybe this is about the life of turning 17. Haha.

Filzah

Jan 2010

2010-01-07T03:43:00.001-08:00

Recently on the fifth of January had a day out with Jasmine and Natty. Initially I felt guilty for dragging them to Sengkang to drop by Vanessa's workplace for a surprise visit but to think again, they are both sweet friends who, for sure, didn't mind at all. Vanessa showed me who J**** is; a thing she had been wanting to do. Haha. I have to admit, I'm happy for her. I just felt this genuine happiness filling me up when I heard her enthused over it over the phone the other day. I guess it's just the feeling a friend would get from her friend's happiness. It's wonderful.

And just today I checked out Temasek Poly's open house. It indeed portrayed the life of being in a polytechnic; carefree. I guess they hit the bull's eye at creating the right ambiance. Either that, or the place is already that way. Hahaha. Oh and I bumped into Shahrir. Well at least now I know he's real.(i've never met him in person until today). Lols. And Shahrir, if you're reading this, I'd want to thank you for acknowledging this old friend of yours. You don't forget your friends after all. :)

Yesterday's episode of Together on Channel 8 had me thinking about something. The phrase "one musn't bow down to fate" resonates in my head up till today. Is it true? One shouldn't let fate determine his state of life and that he can choose to change it. Wow, I didn't know that.

Oh mama the GCE 'O' Level examination results will be released next Monday the 11th of January. I won't go further as I'm afraid I might get the ache in my tummy again.

7 Jan 2010

5 Jan 2010

Filzah

new year-2010

2009-12-30T23:59:00.000-08:00

Let's embrace the year 2010 with our souls replenished with determination, strength & courage so as to keep abreast of the others' who are either competitive or intimidating in both the society & life itself.

To be knowledgeable is a need to survive.

The past, as many have said, makes how and who we are today-we either changed for the worse or for the better. Change is of course in a state of constant flux for as long as we live and although it seems inevitable, we, as humans, sort of call the shots whenever changes which occurred in ourselves are concerned. Going against what is already in store for us is one of those things we couldn't do so the next best thing is to do our best in being the best of ourselves.

*winks*

Haha.

*yuyu*

deciding on my future

2009-12-29T19:22:00.000-08:00

Although it seems that I've been endlessly doing nothing at home while on "hiatus", I realised that I've actually been thinking a lot lately about my plans after learning about my 'O' Level examination results. I mentally list the pros and cons of continuing my studies in JC and that of doing so in poly. Eventually did I come to a decision? Lol, no, seemingly. I've yet to do more soul-search on this.

Junior College: Going by this route means having to commit myself to "2 years of constant pressure"

Polytechnic: Whether the amount of pressure present is equal to the one mentioned above depends on one's effort and circumstances

And hey, despite my state of being desperately perplexed, I learnt the importance of faith. Deciding to go to JC means the real start of having faith in myself.

At the end of the day, my results will determine my decision.

I'll turn to Allah and may He show me the right way.

Filzah

sux

2009-12-25T17:53:00.000-08:00

Now I understand what they meant by one having to go through a trying time in his adolescence. I have no choice but to go through the dumbest emotional ride I've ever figured out. I tried extricating myself from it but find myself falling in as deep in my emotions. Stupid! You know, the slightest miss in expected compliments or gratitude from people I helped vex me so much I'd find myself fuming. My mum's breathing down my neck could lead to a major argument if I chose not to keep my cool. Frankly, she's the most annoying person in my life right now. We could be good friends and all, but at times things couldn't get worse between us.

I guess I need to wait for another 4-5 years before it's partially over.

Like everyone else, I wish to be better. A good deed which brings joy in other person's life could just please me; be it my friend's or any stranger's.

Filzah

2009-12-22T23:31:00.000-08:00

22 Dec '09

21 Dec '09

"Do you remember"

2009-12-18T19:01:00.000-08:00

"Do you remember"

The way the sea folds and unfolds
As if hypnotizing me to months ago
Reminds me of our intertwined fingers
When those waves threatened a separation

Filzah

Kak dida nikah

2009-12-13T17:49:00.000-08:00

Alhamdullilah; 13/12/2009

Mrs Alyph

turnin into a fatso

2009-12-09T18:43:00.000-08:00

I've developed a fear in me & saying it out loud seems ludicrously stupid. Okay here it goes; I'm afraid of weighing myself on the weighing scale. Lol. I guess the reason is pretty obvious; I've been stuffing my face with loads of snacks lately and every time I do so, I feel guilt enveloping me. But what the heck, I continue eating anyway. Haha that goes to show that I'm definitely lacking of discipline.

Ah yes, I'm reminded of something. I had the most wonderful dream last night. I saw Syariff & Alyph at some occasion & I was brave enough to ask for a photo snapped with them. !!!!!! I realised dreams contradict reality. You think so too?

And I feel it's a good thing to be having company on MSN whenever I'm online, despite the fact that they are total strangers. It gives one a sense of ..friendshipness? haha. What baloney.

I'm having a slight sore throat. It's good because it's been a long time since I was ill. :)

Mrs Alyph

2009-12-07T17:39:00.000-08:00

the true one. Never will I forget her (she's Jasmine)

*yuyu*

"Sorry"

2009-12-05T03:04:00.002-08:00

'Sorry'

I thought I was the one in predicament
But you are taken hostage apparently
By the inevitable you once mentioned
A term which I thought you used loosely

Blame my dearth of patience
For not utilizing the space I made for you
This friendship is all that matters
After all these memorable years of two

I thought I could understand
Until now; when I tried in vain
I was going to reach for your hand
But I think I failed yet again

Punish me for my being oppressive
I should have accepted you for who you are
I know I should have known better than to leave
Because it is no mean feat to forget this this far

Filzah

2009-12-01T22:52:00.000-08:00

Talked to Jasmine & most recently, to Vanessa.

I love to be on the phone with Jasmine and I swear I can listen to her for hours. She may go round and round in her talking, but let me tell you, it's inspiring to listen to her. That she is honest with her opinions makes me comfortable holding decent conversations with her. I dare to say that another reason for this is we almost invariably share the same beliefs and outlooks on life.

As for Vanessa, boy, she made me laugh my head off mainly by narrating her experiences at work. Super humorous. Especially the sneezing and the 'sorry' part. LOL. These kind of people are sure to be indelible in my life.

Well that's who I am; sharing opinions & debating are part of my hobbies. That's the reason why I like honest people.

I've been reading of late. But I'm reading novels no more. I'm beginning to focus on self-help books. The one which I bought seems really useful so it is, after all, worth buying. I've no idea why but I have this urge to improve my English. This weird desire surging in me, despite my idling & slacking around.

Oh and how do you like my latest poem?
I was inspired lately.
:)

Mrs Alyph

2 days

2009-12-01T03:10:00.000-08:00

'2 Days'

The first, you had me in your arms
And insisted on doing it for me
My, I was weakened by your charms
And I was red all over, if you were to see

Then you smiled politely
Not to me but a customer
Convinced that it was genuine,
My heart grew fonder

And then you helped me with the basket
"It's all right," you had said
The dimness concealed the apple red
Colour I had on my face right from the head

The second was the last day I saw you
The day when I touched you
When I know I'd never get to again
So, goodbye my Prince Charming

Filzah

2009-11-29T05:16:00.000-08:00

Sorry but for now, I can't tolerate being treated unfairly-I'm not sure about the time to come-because maybe, just maybe, I've yet to build up the emotional strength needed in the working life. Oh and perhaps I've to take into account my temper whenever this issue is concerned. I may say I have quite a foul temper that doesn't appear pleasant in the midst of a discrimination or even a reasonable reprimand. I've to work on that one. SOON. (Another issue being; I'm afraid my temper might scare guys away) Haha.

So, I still dislike the way the boy at my work place told me off. Initially I wondered; was it just me or was he really treating me unfairly? After talking to people, I realised I should have known better than to keep mum-I should have stood up for myself! Oh, so this is the world. Very big & dangerous.

One soul which I've discovered:
-genuinely polite
-a gentleman
-hardworking

A soul which makes me smile.

Filzah

2009-11-29T04:44:00.000-08:00

I'm happy today. As a cousin who watched another grow up, I have every reason to feel happy on the day Kak Noi is engaged. Well all three of my close cousins are all engaged and will be tying the knot soon. I'm so glad they've found their other half and on top of that-from the looks of it-their sweethearts are very nice guys with good attributes in them. Lol.

*yuyu*

1st day at work

2009-11-25T02:48:00.000-08:00

Just got back from work and boy, am I beat. So, this is work, I thought wearily.

I saw a few familiar faces in the restaurant. One was Kak Noi and her boyfriend-the moment I saw them I knew it was her mum who told her about my working there. Lol. The others were my primary school teachers and I can call myself lucky because they didn't recognise me or anything.

People were nice. They taught, they talked and they helped. What I gained from my first day at work was the pleasant feeling of being helped, touched (as in touch of concern) and..that's all, I guess.

My opinion of work :exhaustion, fear of making mistakes and the exhaustion again. Let me explain how tired I am; the exhaustion I felt was to the the extent that I was already entertaining the thought of leaving the job. HAHAHA. Nah, it was just a passing thought.(i hope) :X

So while I was working guess what was I thinking? I was helplessly reminiscing the days when I sucked my spoon after dipping it into a bottle of nutella. Ah.

I feel like calling Jasmine up to chat later. Been a long time since I talked to her.

It beats me how to fathom out Naif's brusqueness. Is he even talking? Hah sometimes I'm just tired. That's not how friends are supposed to be. What agitates me most in life is when people don't appreciate others. That's probably because I'm used to showing my appreciation to people around me; it doesn't matter what they do for you. Even a smile from them is very expensive to me and I know I have to appreciate it. But I'm not mad at him. I was just saying my piece. :)

Mrs Alyph

2009-11-23T17:59:00.000-08:00

I woke up feeling relieved to know it was but a dream. It portrayed an altruist me, though, who went the opposite way through the surging, frightened crowd to go in search of my brother whom I felt was no longer behind me. Also, my courage was depicted when I didn't shed a tear when we were about to enter a gory realm rife with pains coming from the probable heinousness that once took place.

My how I hate that dream

Filzah

2009-11-21T03:57:00.000-08:00

Reporting for work this Mon(23/11) at Swensen's.
Sorry :(
I sort of..err forsake my principles FOR THE TIME BEING, mind you.

Filzah

2009-11-16T19:58:00.000-08:00

Graduation Night '09 @ JYSS.
16 NOV '09

2009-11-13T03:48:00.001-08:00

Were there any signs of happiness in my previous post in relation to the end of the "O" Level examinations? I guess it really showed; my unhappiness. Believe it or not,

I miss those days when I stayed up late for the sake of the next day's major paper.

I miss how the exhaustion due to the late bedtimes took over me, making me feel stronger twice over because I knew I had to stay fresh. The more worn-out I was, the more I wanted to fight it back to stand up straight. That kind of determination in me, in hindsight, makes me cry. This is, my friend, disappointment.

I wanted this race to go on so that I have a mission in life; a reason to live, a reason to succeed. But now that everything is over, I've nothing left to work for. I WANT EVERYTHING BACK.

*yuyu*

2009-11-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

Last night I saw you in a form I wholly adore, in a form I'm comfortable with. Oh my, we were like siblings who watched one another grew up. You laughed whilst throwing your head backwards at my jokes twice, if my memory serves me right. You cupped your fingers around my neck and I stifled a retreat but finally retreated anyway, telling you that my neck is sensitive to touches. We were somehow considerably high above the ground with a layout of sea below the bridge we were at which was absurdly made of string. Oh and you made two big moves that shook the bridge and I remembered pinching you at your waist-you felt emaciated.
Did I miss anything? I guess not.

Yesterday I actually sent an email to a company-at least I think it's a company I'm emailing to-for a part-time job and received a reply this morning stating that I have to send my resume with a photo. I've never written a resume in my life! :X Tried giving Vanessa a call for help but no one answered my calls. What do I start with? Relevant experiences? My dad's occupation? The dictionary defines resume as a brief written account of personal, educational, and professional qualifications and experience, as that prepared by an applicant for a job. Oh mama.

My eldest brother is in NS now and gets to get back home weekly. Since he is the only person in the house who uses up tissues and Milo powder, these two have not been running out of late since he's not at home. lol.

Okay so its obvious that I've completed my 'O' level examinations-with these job applications going around. Graduation night will be held this coming Monday at school. I guess that's supposed to sound lousy and all but I find it perfectly fine cause it is who you are spending time with that matters, not the venue. So, if it were to be held somewhere without air coolers and even a roof, it is still okay.
Hahahaha.

Going out later with my parents to get my outfit for the occasion.

*yuyu*

2009-11-11T17:27:00.000-08:00

Filzah

2009-09-19T16:57:00.000-07:00

"Hidup di dunia terlalu singkat untuk membenci
Jangan berdusta, hormat kalau ingin dihormati"

-Sleeq: "Jangan Sampai Terlambat"

Selamat Hari Raya.

:)

*yuyu*

2009-09-08T01:53:00.000-07:00

I've been forgetting to say how selfish I was. An altruist would stay on, withstanding whatever agony there is to come. But what I did was letting go; I let go of what I feel have been beautifully built. This is too objective an issue. Some would agree on my being self-centred while some would support my decision. Yesterday I was proud of myself of letting go, today I'm condemning myself for it and tomorrow would be like yesterday. In retrospect, I guess I was being selfish. But then again, who cares? Hah. It is now something lightweight, something insignificant, something negligible. I was on my own, and I think I still am with respect to this issue.

There is not anyone who is capable of fathoming out why it affected me so much.

Ramadan is coming to an end. Can u believe it? I didn't even have the time to enjoy it.

Filzah

2009-08-28T04:48:00.000-07:00

"My handsome prince,
I've encountered an apt word to describe what we are now.
'Latent'.
Don't you think so too?"

Filzah

PR of the day:Patience is the most exquisite thing Filzah can ever have, especially during times when she is sandwiched between an indolent and an impertinent.

Mrs Alyph

2009-08-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

Have you ever cried so hard your head spins?
..so hard it left a perpetual haze that blocks your eyes?

PR of the day:
Parents do err and become ambivalent at dealing with their beloved offspring at some point of his/her life; they are humans after all.

Filzah

2009-08-14T00:51:00.001-07:00

Woah. Working on the prelims was tiring, no doubt about it. And I wonder if the 'o' levels will be much more tiring, especially being in the midst of the fasting month. But of course. Hah, what was I thinking?

Thinking about how I did for the prelims makes me grimace, humanities in particular. I've never heard of strategic and smart studying until the SS & History prelims last week. Haha. Silly, I know. I should have known better than to know that. English and E.Math were fine. A.Math P2, I swear, kills my hopes for a B for A.Math. P1 was cool. But when it came to P2..I've nothing more to say.

The end of prelims drives us a certain distance nearer to the 'o' levels.
And hey, the prelims wasn't easy. But being positive, I believe everyone can do it if they really want to succeed. That's all I'd say, speaking from experience after the prelims.

Exhausted already yet I still have to go on fighting this battle.

Actually there's a Math seminar at Temasek Poly this afternoon at 1.30 which at first we thought was optional. Jasmine called just now, shocking me by telling me that it's compulsory. HAHA. Mr Ang was sure to be annoyed to see little people waiting for him at the 'bridge.' HAHA.

I've been singing a lot to myself lately. Why eh?

Oh and I'll be going out-i'm going out,wow-to get my Hari Raya suit. Cool huh? I'll get to smell fresh air that spells 'day-out'.

Next Tuesday is a big day: 'O'lvls English oral.(came as a shock yesterday)
Next Wednesday is a another big day: Mother Tongue 'O' lvl results.

Jojo is on my favourite list now.

PR of the day:
Everyone is intelligent in their own way

Filzah

2009-07-24T06:07:00.000-07:00

Well, life's getting more hectic now. Everyone is rushing and tired at the same time. And people's moods are fluctuating, I reckon. Not only things and situations are getting unfathomable; people too. Sometimes I think it's best to simply shove it aside, not choosing to decipher their cryptic behaviors. It messes up one's mind. So might as well just give it a miss.

It only took Mr Charles Barton to check on my essay once for me to realize of my weakness in writing essays. Thanks to Vanessa too, for pointing out the areas in which I should improve on.

These fun people-

Jasmine lame yet funny
Vanessa dramatic and humorous
Kimberley resourceful and hilarious
Ze Siong as funny as ever(& as lazy)
Muliani funny; very
Syahirah known for her hysterical jokes(as usual)
Natasha somehow, her response to things make me laugh
Liana my 'ubiquitous' companion(at times lame and another, funny)

thanks for everything. And I mean it.

Good gracious, I sounded mushy. :|

Haha.

Preliminary Examinations are coming up.

*yuyu*

2009-07-17T04:40:00.000-07:00

The girl in the mirror and I had our gaze intertwined. My lips curled into a smile and a fraction of a second later, the girl smiled too. I listened to my heart sang its mellifluous song whenever it is swathed by a curtain-sized cloth of felicity. I recalled those times when I had fixed myself; flaw by flaw, impairment by impairment, in order to shape myself into the best shape of myself. The outcome? I'm now carved into something which-albeit not to the precision of the one I had in mind-I'm truly satisfied with. THANK YOU ALLAH. THANK YOU. I'm now able to force wrath down my throat and metamorphose sarcastic remarks I have to offer into inspiration. Also, I have brought myself fields away from enmity; I won't allow it to diffuse into my heart.

However, things are in a state of constant flux. I have to deal with things strategically so as to abstain from swerving to an unintended direction. Let it be a test life has to offer.

Filzah

2009-07-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

My eyelashes are, every now and then, sweeping up and down with much grace. In other words, I'm fighting to stay awake for the sake of abstaining from getting myself into a deep nap. Trust me, once I fell into a sleep, I would go all the way till the day is prepared for a sunset. Moreover, I've things to do. A lot. Like minuscule molecules, bits of lethargy penetrate my spine, right up to the nape of my neck.

I'M TIRED & SLEEPY

Yesterday my left calf went into a spasm. I used to remember how it feels like but yesterday, I was reminded of it again. I need more salt.

-Mrs Alyph

2009-07-05T00:54:00.000-07:00

Grimacing, I've let go
When I'm supposed to never make my grip loose
Just like a weary toe
Who forsook a handsome, prickly pair of shoes

*yuyu*

schl re-opens

2009-06-27T04:35:00.000-07:00

It was as if we are needed back at our workplace after an ambiguous length of break. If there were to be a group of us who are still perplexed at the celerity of life's flow, I must say, I'm one of those people. It confounded me a little in a sense that, haplessly for me, I have yet to be armed with a set of mental preparations in order to face it. However, for an assertive and not-willing-to-be-defeated sort of person, I would do whatever it takes to be instantly equipped. In retrospect, I need to pump in more efforts so as to make an equilibrium; as heavy and hefty as a by-product named 'success'. So, life is fair.

What has been hindering me from my intended efforts is what I regard as occasional idle attitude which is the mastermind of my downward academic progress. How and why it shows up is not the question. Question is, how do I sweep it away so that it would not come tumbling and implanting itself on my heart ever again? A confidant would definitely go "Use the right attitude to fight against it" in response. However, will it be easily done as said?

How I wish I'm blessed with what I think is an exquisite gift, that is, an impeccability instilled in myself. Probably that would alter the mishaps that life provides us, humans, with. But since I'm not, I cannot simply sit and marvel at what it is like if I were to be born with it. So I will just have to get my buttocks off my chair; bring myself out of comfort and work towards success. How hard can that be? However, how good it feels to be grasping success? Extremely good. Heavenly, I shall say.

So which would you choose?

Filzah

2009-06-23T04:25:00.000-07:00

Life is akin to winter where snowflakes that vary from one another come along with the dire chillness at times and at other, the cold which is indispensably yearned because of the previous unreasonably blistering weather. However, invariably, it is considered as a coldness that gnaws on bones ferociously.

Life accommodates a thick, resourceful book of different types of values that made up humans written on it. People-right from murderer, egoists, altruists to heroes. In which category are you under? Humans are definitely much more complicated than this; this explains their emotional setbacks which cause usual life entanglements. Misinterpretations of personal values of his/her supposedly life-long partners. Oh probably that is not that relevant to an individual's entanglements. But the situation where his/hers does not tally with his/her partner is rather relevant, I shall say.

A person changes. Emotional problems occur in the midst of the difficulty to take in newly instilled, unwanted value in oneself and many more which only the professionals could define.

16 years of life. I've seen a small part of life; still on the surface presumably. As I know I've yet to see a lot more.

Mrs Alyph

eating habits

2009-06-21T04:37:00.000-07:00

I really think I should reflect on my eating habits nowadays. It proves how dominant my eating desire is. In other words, it's sort of controlling me. I have not the slightest idea as to why I've been eating a lot of late. Is it part of growing up or something? Hormones, maybe? Or so I presume. I've left my mum with incessant amount of reminders to stop me whenever I reach out for food after or before meals but she didn't seem to be serious about it. In fact, I could sense that she's giving me the leeway to eat as much as I want, and as and when I like. Well what could I say? Mother's instincts are always the best to follow. But I still think stuffing myself with unnecessary snacks isn't a good idea. Well what more can I say, being self-conscious is nothing but normal to me.

For the past few days, I've been jogging with Liana. I pushed aside my timing myself as I no longer see speed as an importance-no more NAPFA tests. But at times I can't help but overtake some other joggers on the track. Not a single strand of their hair hasn't turned white but they could still run consistently at a speedy pace. How I envy them. They are awesomely fit. That's one of the numerous reasons as to why jogging at the stadium is on the list of things which I enjoy doing-I stand the chance to witness distinct kinds of people. It contributes a little to my self-improvement. Sometimes they fortify me, and other times simply get myself used to the outside world.

Guess what my plans are tomorrow? Cycling with my parents. I guess that is yet another form of exercise. Which I anticipate.

I practically gasped at the breakneck speed time is bringing me. Next week the school gate is re-opening. Really, I almost gasped. I guess I was pleasantly surprised?

*yuyu*

2009-06-19T20:44:00.000-07:00

"Filzah!". A voice totally unfamiliar to me hit the walls, bouncing off them by default. But familiar or not; I did not make it an issue because what was it compared to my current predicament? It was, finally, a human’s presence. The voice itself had me shooting up from my crouching position with hopes to be extricated from this menacing environment I was confined in. My pair of feet brought me flying towards the directions my instinct had indicated the voice was from, just like a madwoman, berserk while going in search of her lost offspring.

It was just once. Or maybe twice; due to the echo. And then the voice was no longer heard. My feeble knees were thrown to the cold, hard ground. It was a reflex action. And so were the hopes that were evaporated from the surface of my inner self, leaving behind a dry one. I had an urge to scream my lungs out for help but I was helplessly held back by my extremely weak state. I was back to my initial position; this time my arms were wrapped around my waist. I rocked my body back and forth and then, for some reason, I allowed my body to be convulsed with a giggle which later grew to a ponderous laugh. It was still going on when my body was flat on the ground, ignorant to the absurdly cold surface. My eyes were focused on the bland ceiling; slowly, my vision was blurred and it came to darkness, where I found myself in a kind of deep sleep.

-Mrs Alyph

2009-06-18T04:55:00.000-07:00

My pair of hands grabbling for a saviour, an escape; whatever. As long as I'm being disengaged from this infernal, fatal realm I am in. The incredulous depth renders my muscle strength and the wilder my movements are, the tighter the pain will engulf my calves. Every moment of this diabolical climax of my life sucks out the breath out of me; albeit gradually, it works real fast, like a bursting balloon. Defeated, I let my worn-out arms down in what seems like a sea to me and condone the current to transport me to who-knows-where. Abruptly something snaps. The volume, reminding me of a burst balloon, makes me think it is indeed one. But it is no usual ear-piercing sound as it, apparently, seems to be emitted from within..my very self. Within lesser than a fraction of a second, my eyes blink open, wide as a petrified abandoned kitten confronted by an unreasonably bright light, threatening its vulnerable life. My breath is seemingly the newest; as if I am just being brought into this world. I could finally breathe.

I need some inspiration to add on to my collection of phrases. I'd better start the search.

Even during wet days of late, I still think the heat from the sun hidden somewhere behind those clouds is always bringing itself up to excruciatingly high temperatures. The weather squeezes liquid out of the pores on my body to fill up cups and jugs.

Not that I am complaining or anything. Merely making my comments known :)

I have to admit that laziness is beginning to get the better of me. Well not wholly-thank goodness-but still. I wish to make every pieces of laziness that is lingering in me to be dissipated completely for the sake of my progress of my revision during the holidays. I'm following my set timetable very closely for Math, Biology, History, A.Math, Essays.(a little bit of literature+humanities, too) Practically all with the exception of PHYSICS. My, this subject is simply bringing me down. But who says I'm not having any intentions to bring myself up to face it? I am, soon, when I've fully boosted my confidence in it.

*yuyu*

2009-06-14T05:15:00.000-07:00

Readers am I relieved. Only when I had grabbed a hold of the Sleeq's latest album did I smiled, floating in pure ecstasy. I gingerly dragged the small rack in which where my rather old, dusty radio is sitting, forward, as nearest as possible to where I usually sit by the end of my bed to study. What did I do next? I pushed in the disc into the player and punched 'play' and there it went; the creaky sound, coming from the fast-rotating player. Well of course, it has been decades since I played songs on my radio. But the sounds I expected were flawless and new to my ears.

Their songs make me move.

And somehow, push me to make my brains working on my maths questions.

Oh and I think the last time I made a poem was .. I seriously have no idea. I lost count. :D

Filzah

She peeps out of the window
Then her eyes squinted
Shuts them, want to see no more
The farthest from it, she leans
Kneels on the ground,
Raise both her hands
And whispers words of gratitude
"You've changed me, thank you God"

*yuyu*

2009-06-14T04:57:00.000-07:00

13 JUNE 2009. DAY OUT WITH I, F, L, F

*yuyu*

2009-06-12T02:18:00.001-07:00

How am I?
I'm tired. Despite the one month break. Maybe, just maybe, due to the unwanted air that is revolving my head now. The air which I want to clear so badly as I loathe uncleared air. The air which came uninvited and with no apparent, justified reason at that. Now I know what Liana had felt once upon a time when she was experiencing the same thing. I simply dislike it when I am given the cold shoulders when I know I did nothing wrong. In fact, if asked, I would say I am carrying out self-improvement onto myself. So how can my offending people be possible? Okay, maybe it is possible 'cause there's a thing called 'words blurted without thinking twice'. But as a rational, reasonable, understanding professionally equipped human being, that is no way to solve things. Raise up your hands if you are agreeable with me!

Nowadays, I am giving myself lessons on Forgiving People As Easily As They Offend You. However, I draw a line to it; limitations set. Of course I won't allow those malicious people out there to dribble their redundant comments on my head. For the sake of mankind!

Pardon my emotive language.
I can't help it but I feel that I have to type these out so as to provide my chest with some space.

-Mrs Alyph

2009-06-11T00:30:00.000-07:00

COUSIN'S WEDDING AT PERAK, MALAYSIA; 5-10 JUNE 2009

*yuyu*

2009-06-10T05:19:00.000-07:00

A person whom I regard as an idol who has affected my attitude towards my goals..

The comfort of my bed complemented my relaxed mind. In the dark, images overflowed my mind like an unexpected flood as I brought myself to those times when I was somewhat awakened by an achievement of a person, who sat at the front of my class, whose body posture never failed to be not poor and who was a person whom I thought to be an ordinary classmate. I did not carve the slightest imagination then, that she would be the cause for my newly, motivated self. Allow me to introduce this person who had made, albeit small, a turning point in my secondary school life; she is an exemplary student by the name of Kai Tong.

It was, as usual, a warm day in class. We were distributing our scripts among ourselves, which were, our Math answers scripts after few weeks of the Math mid-year examination. My script was in my hands already and I was merely waiting for an apt time to unveil my results. I had always aimed for an A and I so badly yearned for an A then. I filled up my lungs with one deep and long breath and in no time, my eyes fell on my marks; 68%. I let out a sigh as I threw my shoulder into a slouch, disappointed. Seconds following that agonizing moment, I was fallen into a long stare into space, reflecting my effort. Where did I go wrong?

After going through the papers and as the bell marked the end of the math lesson, Mr Chew, our math teacher, beckoned me to have a minute with him outside the classroom. Having reached the corridor of the classroom, we had a talk that lasted approximately 5 minutes. The thing that was etched in mind which was still adhere to the sides of my mind till now was the part when he mentioned the struggle Kai Tong had experienced prior to her exceptionally improved math results. Just a moment ago in class we applauded for the people who had obtained an A and Kai Tong was one of them. Something in me ignited, like a new light bulb with brand new batteries installed in it. A rush of invigorating wind seemed to form a tide in me as it slapped my soul, just like the tides washing and slamming the coast. Kai Tong was initially not an A scorer for Math during her first few years in secondary school.

"How to get an A for math?", Kai Tong had once said, told Mr Chew. "Very hard!" These were said when her past math results revealing a C was incessant. Probably for people like me and you, we would hold up a white flag which connotes that we have decided to let go of our hopes to achieve our goals. But Kai Tong did far from that.
She recovered from her fall and worked even harder, until she, presumably, had reached the zenith of her goal.

What impressed me further was the fact that she came in first in class and that, together with her resilient attitude, motivated me.

Kai Tong, if you happen to be reading this, I want to thank you for colouring my perspective towards seeing failures as lessons we should learn from to a bright colour. You had not only put yourself at an impressive position, but you had also brought me motivation and inspiration. Maybe you had not realized this, but you have been my idol since the day you stood out from us, right from your initial mediocre position, to your present position. I had witnessed how hardworking you were and your genuine interest and impregnable determination left an impact on my life. Thank you so very much.

Filzah

Photos of my trip to Perak will be up soon, Insyallah.

2009-06-04T02:47:00.000-07:00

If my life is a novel, I'm a non-static protagonist. As apparent as that fact is in any one's life, I'm still bringing it up.

In the corner of my room, I'm in the warmth of my praying garb in which I have a quiet, solemn moment or two with the One who has been watching my every move in this world since the day I was brought into here. I close my eyes as I read Him my heart desires, my gratitude, my needs... I told Him that I need to be improved, to be better. And so I implored Him to instill a small miracle in me so that I could be a better version of myself.

But I am afraid. The fear of straying from my perfectly-carved path. Why do I abruptly experience such a fear? Search me.
I guess it's part of something..called life.

Just when I thought I was doing well, something led itself down a gleeful slope, going against my good progress. Maintaining my flight is not an easy task

..........

My mum has done packing and we are practically ready to go off tomorrow at 2. I have to admit that I look forward to the trip.

I'll be back very soon.

-Mrs Alyph.

:D

2009-06-01T00:20:00.000-07:00

TRIP TO SINGAPORE DISCOVERY CENTRE; 21 May 2009

LAST DAY OF TERM 2; 29 May 2009

-The person whom I laugh with all along in class; Ze Siong aka Wayne -.-

So these are what I call evidences as to what I've been involving myself in these past few days. Sat for my Mother Tounge 'O' level paper just a few hours ago and here I am, typing my way away; meluahkan segala isi hatiku. I harbor hopes I believe everyone has; to score at least an A. You know, I sense that I've somewhat lost my touch in English since I've been drowning myself with malay language for the past few weeks, or should I say, months. Not that I dread it, in fact, I must say I like it. Malay is my language. Why shouldn't I like it?

Oh yes, 5th-8th of June.
I'll be flying off to Perak for a wedding of my cousin's. It's time I went to somewhere far. lol. No denying that I will be taking photos here & there. NON-STOP. My company will be my literature texts and Twilight book.(gee, funny that everyone has finished reading when I'm just starting) Come on! When will I score a B for my literature? Good gracious! Literature is indeed about life. You are right, Mdm Saleha.

My mission this year, or should i say, iltizam ,(is dis even correct?) is to see that I score an A for my E.Math & Science. To me, these are the ones that are the most easiest to score. No excuses for me. Oh yes oh yes, I passed my A. Math for my Mid-Yr Exams. BUT I very well know I can do much, much better than just to pass.

And I can't believe I'm 16.

*yuyu*